Sunday, February 15, 2009

25 Small Things (This started out on facebook)

1) I am a circular writer and thinker. I like to read what others are thinking and feeling. I’m not overly concerned by reading incorrect and not-perfect grammar. I like the feel of the thoughts and the messiness of emotion. I like how thoughts stumble over themselves and search around until they come back to where they started. I like where they travel along the way. I like circular.

2) I love coming home every night to my house in the forest. I greet the same deer and demanding Stellar Jay’s at the bird feeder. I love the quiet and solitude. The solar fairy lights make me smile inside.

3) I read fiction. I love fiction. I would like to write teen fiction. I did write a novel in the 80’s. Sci-fi feminist-type genre. I can get lost in a book like no other experience I know. Books are my friends and I am sad when the story is over. I loved working at the Library in Las Vegas. (Not the strip club that is called The Library, either)

4) On the latest version of Survivor, they wanted to vote off the ‘Old Lady’. I’m older than she is. I don’t feel like an old lady. I am still the same person I was in 20’s. My behavior has changed. My face has changed. I have reached some of the goals I set for myself. I still feel like there is a lot to do and see.

5) I want to go to Thailand. There. That is a new goal.

6) I appreciate my friends.

7) Friday night is the best time of the week.

8) I’m very relaxed about grammar but if we are sharing a spreadsheet and you mess up the formulas, I have to stop myself from screaming ‘STEP BACK FROM THE F%^&*NG COMPUTER . . .’

9) I miss my mother.

10) I am Alpha in my pack of Russell’s. I can achieve this with a look. But sometimes I need to curl my lip and snarl.

11) My greatest fear has always been that one day I will wake and realize that I’m the crazy person who screams at invisible people on the subway. When I’m waiting in the car for Diane at the grocery store I always wonder, if this is the moment I realize, there is no Diane, I have made up the whole thing. Sometimes when I’m one my way to work I wonder if this is the day, I realize that I don’t have a job, I’m the crazy person who drives to this place and sits in the parking lot all day until it is time to go home. Then I will drive up to what I believe is my home, try to get in with a key that doesn’t work, so I beat on the door and the real owners will call the police to take me away. I have always feared these things.

12) I like the thought of snow more than the reality.

13) I am healthier now than I have ever been. Except for #11.

14) I truly feel alone most of the time, even when I am with lots of people. I live in my head. I look at the world like I’m viewing a movie. I can be disconnected too easily and have to force myself in the other direction.

15) I never intend to do anyone harm.

16) I fear making errors. If I make an error at work, I am much harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. That is why I check and double-check myself almost to the point of obsession.

17) I love the smell of the woods when I stop at my mailbox to get the mail. I always think ‘Ahhh that is why I am here.’ I like how the golden sunlight filters through the branches on the trees to leave patchworks of light on the road when I drive home at night. I pass my favorite stream and open my window, no matter what the weather, to hear the gurgle and trickle of the water.

18) I don’t get to see many movies. But I almost always read the book.

19) I religiously look at houses for sale in Las Vegas and think I will buy one when the market bottoms out. Why? I could never live in Las Vegas again. See #17.

20) I don’t have enough time.

21) When I was younger I was convinced that I would be a famous singer/actor. After I made millions of dollars I would travel to Egypt. Then I realized I could skip the waiting to be famous part and just go. I lived in Egypt when I was 19. I just went there. No plans. No idea what I was getting myself into. Very little money. A backpack with a couple changes of clothes. Then when I was 20, I hitchhiked all the way to New York. I carried everything in a duffle bag. I had no plans. I lived and breathed ‘The Course in Miracles’. I believed that I was invincible. I probably was.

22) Snorkeling in warm water surrounded by fish is my idea of heaven.

23) I should be less aloof.

24) My favorite color changes constantly as does my favorite food, favorite book, favorite song, etc.

25) I should write more but I worry about being less than perfect with grammar. My spelling is atrocious. I hope you will just feel what I’m saying and not be too critical about how I say it. See, I am a circular writer and thinker.


Anonymous said...

in terms of your fears in #11, i used to be afraid of the exact same thing, and movies that portray people "waking up from their delusions" always helped to fuel this fear, but then my brother went through a psychotic episode where he experienced delusions that he was a famous rockstar, and now that i have stood so close to something that so many people are so afraid of , i am not afraid of it anymore because i know without a doubt that the moment i think to myself that i might be delusional is the proof that i am not delusional, because delusional people don't experience this type of introspective insight into their own mental state....i hope that my saying this to you will help you next time you have this fear....because all those moments when you think that you might be living in a delusional reality are really moments of proof to yourself that you are not living in a delusional's a catch-22...the fact that you have that level of insight into your own subjective experience of reality proves you aren't delusional and if you were delusional you wouldn't experience self-doubt or fear regarding your perceptions.

West End Bob said...

#10 is my favourite!

For Diane's sake, I hope the snarling and lip curling isn't directed her way . . . . :)